Car Shows of the 80s.

The 80s have been back in vogue for some time now, and we may very well be coming to the end of our fascination with that decade. Certainly, when I was a teenager anything reeking of those years was uncool, but now that same item would have cachet, if for the moment (judging by the continuing popularity of 80s-themed nights at bars, it might be a while...)

One odd quirk that continues to fascinates me regarding that dead decade is its weird fascination with novelty cars on crimefighting television shows. It was as if do-gooders on their own had become uninteresting, and required a motorized helping hand. No doubt, the idea had its germ in movies (i.e. in James Bond and the Batmobile) but it is worth taking a review of some of the instances of this bizarre practice that flowered on American television through the 80s.

Perhaps the earliest glimpse of his phenomenon can be found in the the Dukes of Hazzard, which ran from 1979 to 1985. As you may recall, this was a show about a couple of white kids (Bo and Luke) in an all-white southern town who drove a 1969 Dodge Charger with a confederate flag painted on the roof that they named the General Lee. They had been caught smuggling moonshine at the outset of the series and were thus forced to spend the remainder of all of the shows on probation. So, while they continued to outfox the law in the form of Sherriff Roscoe, they would paradoxically solve crimes with the aid of the "General". In every episode this supercar would be used to drive recklessly and jump some form of obstacle, most commonly a gully, in order to escape from pursuers (usually the hapless Roscoe, above).. The boys did not wear white hoods and the car did not have KKK on the side, which in light of everything else about the star of the show, is kind of odd.

The General Lee, while the true soul of DoH, it was simply a garish muscle car that could go quickly, which-if silly - is hardly astonishing. Forutunately for us, Scientists at the Television Premise Research Institute in Hollywood, Ca, worked around the clock while DoH soared in the ratings. Their diligence achieved a major conceptual breakthrough with Knight Rider, a program which endowed a 1982 Pontiac Trans Am with real artificial intelligence, a sense of humor and an immortal soul. Named KITT, this vehicular wunderkind's primary mission would was to solve crimes and sometimes jump gullies (which is the first thing I would task a completely self-aware artificial intelligence, wouldn't you?) with the aid of his rather lifeless costar, David Hasselhoff. KITT also had telekinetic-like powers, could tell bad jokes, and had ejection seats all of which would come in handy in crime fighting. In most cases, the Hoff would always take all the credit, largely because testimony from cars is inadmissable in court. This show began its slow decline during its second season when it introduced a sort of bizzaro KITT named KARR as an evil arch enemy. Rather then creating a really badass evil enemy, based on say - a Mustang, KARR looked exactly the same (it should be noted that the Hoff also had an evil twin arch villain in the series). This was probably symptomatic of a lack of imagination that would go on to sink what was, talking cars aside, simply a rather mediocre detective drama.

Due to the limitations of the real world, and special effects budgets, advanced new development of the novelty car concepts had be addressed through the medium of cartoons. In 1984, a cartoon called Pole Position brought not one, but TWO talking/flying/floating cars with many gadgets to America's aresanal of crimefighting cars. Under the guise of the "Pole Position Stunt Show", a secret government agency sent youthful, unlicensed novely car drivers to stop evil villains from doing bad things. It was put out of its misery at the end of its first season as a result of a pending lawsuit from a video game maker with a product of the same name, as well as predictably low ratings.

An embattled world would see its next vehicular savior appear in the form of Turbo Teen, a cartoon that broadened the scope of what we consider "super powers" to include the ability to turn oneself into a Camaro. Evidently, invulnerability, super strength, telepathy and other unworldly abilities are overkill as all one needs is a full tank of gas. Unfortunately, TT's robbing of virtually every idea that hapless writers of Knight Rider had earlier cobbled together over late-night coke-snorting sessions suggested that a "cease-and-desist" order may have been instrumental in the show's demise after a single season. Okay, maybe a lack of viewership (besides my much younger self) and witless plotlines might have also helped. A good deal of internet chatter nominates the show as the worst cartoon ever, and it's safe to say they are probably correct.

At this point in the narrative, few crimefighting shows lack a signature vehicle that may or may not have special powers. The ridiculous premise of the A-Team would be incomplete without the the A-Team Van. Possibly the same group of writers would also have us believe that a Ferrari is reasonable on a vice cop's salary (though to be fair, Miami Vice also showcased expensive boats). Really, at least Magnum benefited from Higgins largesse. Examples about in the historical record.

But at some point, it must have begin to seem silly in the face of the paradigm shift in pop culture that occurred at the end fo the decade. Television moved on to primetime soap operas and shows about government conspiracies in which characters drove very pedestrian vehicles that rarely said a word.

There was once a time, before we gave a hoot about the climate and our ability to change it, where conspicuous consumption of gasoline was the hallmark of a successful television detective. May those times never return.